I Understand

What would you do? What could you possibly do if you were faced with something that for so long seemed impossible? There's a difference between what we desire and what we should desire. Fortunately for must of us we never have to face that reality. We are never confronted with a package of all that we should desire, but don't. But what if you were... what if everything you should desire should suddenly appear in your life? What if it were wrapped in so much you truly do desire? What would you do?

One Christmas in the mission we received a special surprise from our families, everybody wrote us letters telling us how much they loved and appreciated us. I remember being so touched by all the thoughts expressed by my parents, my brothers, and my sisters. Sadly, I cannot find those letters today. But I remember that in my father's letter he told a story that I loved. It's a Christmas story about two sons, one an unfailing optimist, the other a persisting pessimist. The parents of these sons did an experiment for Christmas in an attempt to curb the extreme behavior of those sons. Usually, I focus on the story of the optimist, a little boy who entered his room Christmas morning to find a pile of horse manure and rather than despair began digging. When his parents asked him why he was so happy when his Christmas gift was so terrible, he smiled and replied "with all this manure there has to be a pony in here somewhere!" I'll talk about that little boy more at some point. But what of the other son? His room was filled full of marvelous toys, and yet he sat in the middle of the room crying, terrified that he would break them. Terrified.

Life is not so simple as the stories. We, each of us, have a little bit of each son within us. At different times, different aspects may become apparent. Sometimes, we find our new toys and at first we are enamored with them. But what happens when we realize that they are capable of breaking, that we must be careful how we play with them? In John Steinbeck's short tale "Of Mice and Men," Lennie doesn't want to hurt anything, but when he sees something he likes he just wants to have it. What then, of that thing you don't expect to find - what then, of all that you should desire when it suddenly appears to you? You rush to it, you embrace it and with the same fervor of Lennie you try to make it our own. But in that fervor, you hurt it. Unlike Lennie, you recognize that you've damaged this beautiful thing and you can't stand to hurt it more. You're afraid not only of hurting it, but hurting yourself. How could you live with yourself if you destroyed that marvelous thing?

You step back, you decide that you need to be more careful. But still, it represents so much... Still it is there tempting you, not with carnality or sin, but with the potential of heaven. There, before you, is the possibility of joy. But you're not ready for it, who is? In life's journey we all wander from the path at times. You've just regained your footing, you're just starting back on the path... the treasure is supposed to be at the end of the path, not here, not now! You're not ready for this. You're not even sure if this is the path you want to be on... And yet it beckons to you, the possibility inherent in all that you should desire. Lamentably, that is all it is - everything you should desire, not everything you do desire. Perhaps one day you will, and then what a fool if you leave it alone! But for now... for now it is just potential and you're not sure if you want that potential. It would take work, it would take changes in all your vast web of belief.... And you might break it and eliminate the possibility that somebody more capable, somebody better prepared might love that thing. You don't want to break any of your toys, but this one? This toy you know you should love.... the thought of destroying it is too much. Besides, are you ready for those possibilities? It was always just something in future, it was always just something that would happen when you were ready and the time was right... You aren't ready yet, the time cannot possibly be right. Ever cautious you reject this thing. Ever cautious. You might break it, it might break you. What if it, like so much else in life, fails you? What if it isn't what it's supposed to be... could you handle that? You read your Kafka and your Flaubert. All is vanity - apparent exceptions are just mirages. It was never real. Maybe there was joy there, but isn't safer never to know... Isn't it safer to live outside the fire?

In his story "The Great Divorce," C.S. Lewis tells of a dream he once had. In this dream he saw a vision of heaven and hell. He tells this parable, he finds this guide and at the end of the dream the angelic guide tells him that it is only a vision, that he could not handle the fullness of what heaven and hell are, but that it is as close as he can comprehend. So it is with me and this. Perhaps I see only the shadow, but I think I understand. Beauty, awareness, caution. If only caution could be thrown to the wind! But it is inherent in you... I have so far thrown caution to the wind. I always shall. And that has made all the difference.